“I am not my TBI”

When we spoke over a video call with Nathalie B. Morin for this interview, she was lying in bed, with her nose taped after a physiotherapy treatment.

Prior to 2015, she experienced seven car accidents involving head injuries. Then, in 2015, she had a bike accident while training for a triathlon that led to a severe TBI, as well as a number of physical complications. These range from a displaced septum and sphenoid bone, which are still being treated, to bulging discs and sacroiliac injuries that keep her bed ridden, as she is unable to sit for lengthy periods of time.

Despite knowing about her previous head injuries, after the bike accident Nathalie’s ER doctor sent her home, dismissing her injury by saying “kids fall all the time.” But as the days wore on, her condition deteriorated. A month later, she could barely walk. She knew something was seriously wrong.

Nathalie, a lifelong government employee, worked for two-and-a-half years before she couldn’t do it anymore, unable to perform her duties. After years of seeing numerous specialists and health care providers, she compiled multiple, voluminous medical reports and was approved for long term disability, which was followed by her approval for medical retirement in 2021.

“I’m more isolated… and it’s difficult to interact with people. Even with friends on the phone, sometimes I just have to say, ‘I gotta go.’”

“I aim to have the best quality of life, even if I feel like I’m a professional patient sometimes,” she says. The grueling experience of getting disability and medical retirement made her realize how important it was to be aggressively proactive in advocating for her needs.

Even with the best insurance, the cost of quality care can be expensive. Nathalie, for example, receives thorough free care from an Ottawa-based concussion clinic, but other important supplementary services, from physiotherapy to speech-language pathology, are all out of pocket, requiring significant personal financial investment. For Nathalie, that means living simply so she can invest any extra income into her health.

Nathalie says that managing all the paperwork involved with her complicated care and daily life is excruciating – she needs help with it all. Like many survivors, she struggles to fill out forms and keep track of complex processes. “Now, when I talk to someone on the phone, I just say, ‘I have a brain injury,’” she describes, hoping to elicit patience and help from the person on the other end.

“TBI patients are not normal,” she says. “The wires in the fuse box could fry at any time. But because you’re functional at a certain level, people don’t always appreciate how we struggle.” These struggles include loneliness, emotional volatility, and more. “I push as much as I can,” she says. “But when I crash, I crash.”

It’s a lot to manage. But Nathalie – who has always been a fighter – is adamant, “I am not my traumatic brain injury. The important thing is not to give up. If you give up on yourself, you give up on life.”

She credits her health care team with sticking with her through her many challenges. She looks forward to a future in which she can manage better and enjoy life even more. But for today, she tries to practice gratitude for what she does have. “There’s no perfection,” she says. “But I can still enjoy my coffee in the morning.”